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Into the Dirty Thirty

August 13, 2011

It began as a modest intention. I’m turning thirty, and am required to host some kind of gathering in order to receive the gifts I so obviously deserve. I’m considering noting “if you aren’t present, send one” on the invitations. Yes, an invite that could possibly cause a paper cut. Facebook invites result in my constant hounding of people, questioning why they haven’t clicked a fucking button assuring the birthday girl of their attendance. I figure if I send something glittery in the mail, my request will be taken seriously enough for a reply. This thought led to a glitter party theme. The femme guests can break out a pair of trendy glitter stilettos and a clever boy can impersonate Maria Carey. Their partners will have to find a pair of decked out Nikes. If I approve of your attire a sudden gaylicious glitter dousing will occur.

Agnes was quick to jump on my bandwagon of insanity. She too likes a dramatic approach to getting friends drunk. Our future wedding is sure to consist of brides in white scuba gear arriving on dolphins. She has been researching the mechanics of a champagne tower. I will never forget when she turned to face me and said “I have always wanted a champagne tower………..for you”. Adorable, Agnes and I are very alike in some ways. We have spent the week booking a suite in the casino hotel, imagining the same day spa trip that will transform us into Shane and Carmen, and constructing hand-made invitations to send to our gorgeous and wealthy best friends. The only people sure to attend are my parents.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 14, 2011 3:27 pm

    You are so cute. I think what you’re experiencing is very normal. One thing I have to comment on is the fear of being called a lady. That is the utmost compliment! I am a lady to the tee and if was addressed as anything else I may be offended. I know where you’re coming from but remember that not everyone can pull off the “lady” title and are stuck with skank, chick, or some other derogatory term used to reference a woman. 30 is beautiful because of the experience that comes with it. My dad was remarried 3 years ago to his 5th wife, yes I said 5th. They are both in their upper 50’s, happier than ever and feel as if their life has just begun. You have so many wonderful years ahead of you. Do not be afraid of 30, embrace it. And STOP planning your own party. Have your lady do that so you can focus on relaxing and making yourself feel amazing for the event.

  2. August 14, 2011 3:27 pm

    p.s. Happy Birthday Beauty!

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