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The Lesbian Breakup Checklist

January 31, 2012

One of the million "couple photos" I will stare at obsessively over the next year.

Every lesbian remembers her first; and here’s hoping your lesbian breakup is everything you dreamed of (and witnessed on lesbian television dramas)! This simple check list will enable you, like me, to keep track of just how predictable the end of your relationship is (let’s face it, you jumped on the stereotype bandwagon the second you U-Hauled it a few years ago).

  • Your heart is broken in pieces, and you are reminded of it 24/7, as the girl who shattered it still lives with you and shares your bed (not to worry though, you make sure the dog is strategically placed between your two barely dressed bodies).
  • There’s anywhere from one to four adopted animals glaring at you, begging for a happy reunion. They don’t want yet another new Mommy.
  • Your lesbian best friend, who used to be in love with your lesbian partner, is now your lesbian rock (and annoyingly right all the time, when she urges you not to beg your girl to swap spit one last time).
  • You’ve been sexually inactive for so long that the thought of future encounters seems irrational (you can’t seem to find one other lesbian as attractive as your ex, anyway).
  • Now you can really stop shaving! Forever!
  • You and your now ex partner have made a pact to be best friends forever! This way you can still throw things at her (both physically and emotionally).
  • Therapy. Lots of Therapy.
  • You’ve got a bad case of amnesia. You were in fact the perfect couple and you just don’t understand why this is happening. You’ve forgotten all about the last six months of her ignoring your needs in order to play video games and eat food.
  • Porn. Lots of Porn.
  • Lastly, none of the above seems funny. The reality is, you built a life with a woman you love. You share a home, possessions, and broken dreams. 80% of the time you are going to feel a deep sense of panic and gut wrenching pain. Enjoy the other 20%, and don’t forget to dig up the lingerie your cats now use as a bed, and WEAR it! One day soon you will meet somebody who actually wants to see you in it.
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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 1, 2012 1:51 am

    Add an actual human kid and it gets even messier. Imagine spending the next 18 years with your ex as you coparent. Your exes new girlfriends that come and go. Your girlfriends (clueless but well intentioned) lesbians who have never had children try to tell you what you are doing wrong with the kid you are raising. Those fun moments when ex girlfriend meets new girlfriend when you do the kid exchange. And thank your sweet lucky stars that you only have pets to argue about.

    I enjoyed your post. Thank you

  2. February 6, 2012 12:23 am

    I Know it Exists…. Because I Once Had It.
    Money doesn’t matter, as long as I have you. You are beautiful and unlike the rest. I am lucky. I will never let you go. I will walk through the cold with you, don’t let go of my hand. I will follow you anywhere, and stay right here with you. I can’t live without you, I don’t want to. I want to kiss your entire body. I am proud of you, and never want to see you cry. I want to sleep with you; could never reject you. I love you. You are safe with me.

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