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Anger Danger! How do we rid ourselves of the pattern?

February 7, 2012

Growing up, I lived in a fairly honest and open-minded household filled with support given by both my parents. My mother was and still is my rock, and she taught me how to lie. It was simple, we lied for peace. This quality of life was passed down by her mother, whose husband was a stressed out cop who liked to keep his gun visible at home. It is a type of abuse that is rarely portrayed accurately in movies. There is no hitting, and only walls are punched. We weren’t scared, on average. My own father worked all day, and usually gave us everything we asked for. If something were to happen while he was at work, such as the taking in of a stray animal, or the accidental breaking of an object as a result of some sort of spontaneous fun, we quickly gathered to get our story straight. If it was a successful cover up, then we could spend the night watching television opposed to hiding in our rooms until the screaming subsided and his face returned to it’s natural color.

Some things you just can’t predict. Sometimes we all say something stupid. My mother and I are both sincerely intelligent people, yet we can be a bit flighty. We are writers, thinkers, and don’t necessarily live in reality, a quirk that most find endearing at first. Imaginative types are often drawn to those driven by success and order. It begins as a love affair. We admire their determination and perfectly pressed clothes, and they admire our ability to just be ourselves. The initial year of hot sex masks their anger due to the belief that we are perfect and beautiful.

My first marriage was to a man (problem #1). He was a literary guy, and came off to others as very gentle, in touch with his feminine side, and didn’t necessarily find the need to self-groom (there goes my previous theory). My current partner, or should I say ex-partner now room-mate, has sarcastically said to me “Oh yeah, I’m sure he was terrifying”. He was, at times. When we were living in Manhattan, which I was blamed for for years due to it being one of my stupid “dreams” (it also happened to be one of the happiest times of my life), I lost one of the 8 jobs I had during the two years we lived there. On the way home from getting fired from my highest paying job yet, I rode the subway in the absolute wrong direction. I tried to figure out a way to get another job so quickly, I would never have to tell him I lost this one. I didn’t lie. As a result, I will never forget that night, it was the first time he called me stupid and useless.

I left that marriage for somebody who called me smart and funny. I was auditioning for movie roles at the time, and she believed I could get any role I went for. The support and acceptance felt great. I was sure that being out of the closet and accepting that I was gay would be the end of my anger phobia. I literally have fear of a feeling. I don’t feel a  physical threat, I simply don’t want to be screamed at, and no matter how much I scream back, the fear hasn’t gone away. I fear a look of disappointment. It turns out that women can be quite angry, quite disappointed, and are able to punch walls (the holes are just smaller).

I’ve come to the conclusion that in the future I will require a certain level of support. My exes have always supported me financially, and that has often turned into resentment on their part. If you want to be my partner for the long term, I require encouragement when I lose a job. We all have the right to live with somebody who makes us feel better about our shortcomings; who admires that we do what we love, opposed to what offers the greatest success. I may be outspoken, and due to a recent state of unhappiness, I may be a bit moodier than normal. I have been called a bitch more times than I can count. I deserve somebody who would love to make me happy, which is as simple as a hug. We all deserve a god damn hug.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 10, 2012 1:51 pm

    Hi Sandi, good read and something many women know by experience. Thank you for being so transparent and honest about your life experience.

  2. April 4, 2012 6:17 pm

    true…we all deserve a god damn hug….can totally relate to it..

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