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Girl, You Know You Better Let Go

April 18, 2013

I haven’t written in over a year. Not a single blog post, not an article to submit to my favorite magazine, not even a simple journal entry during the many nights of emotional turmoil I’ve put myself through. I moved permanently to Long Island, and apparently “working on myself” consisted of feel-good flings and NYC outings with coworkers ( and possibly drinking by myself once a week when I went to my “bad place”). Last I left you, I was putting on a strong front and trying to see the humor in the ending of my three-year live-in relationship. Dont get me wrong, I actually didn’t do half bad. I moved, found a job with animals, and made new friends I will most likely keep for a very long time. I did figure out that I could be happy and single; a good lesson to learn and hold onto.

Agnes and I got back together a few months ago. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions. I find it tough to let go of the anger and start over. I don’t have the type of mind that easily forgets (this is convenient for the good memories in my life, not so convenient for the hurtful). I’ll randomly remember a night she put somebody else before me, and I can’t contain my jealousy. A woman I once assumed I would marry, who I once had no reason to doubt, was not that woman during 2012 (and even parts of 2013 once we were reunited). I’ve been lied to, felt abandoned at moments, and struggle to feel secure enough in myself to not care. Of course, I did enjoy the wooing, and the proclamation that I am the love of her life. She’s dumped people for me and moved to New York. This isn’t as easily remembered as the moments that lacked truth, in which she’s put one type of “friend” or another before the honesty in our relationship.

I want to find the humor in it all again. So I can write. So I can forgive. I want to be inspired enough and excited enough to wittingly tell you all about what goes on in our recently revived bedroom. So this is a start. I also have a roommate, who has been so easy-going during the transition of Agnes moving in with us. Can you imagine? She hears us fight, lives without a door to her bedroom, and lets me steal her coffee. I have nothing to complain about.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. April 19, 2013 5:50 am

    Welcome back! .. Again I relate so well to your posts. My relationship ended (my choice) .. but since then the lies about me and our relationship have left me feeling as if I never knew my ex at all and that I was used. We could have had a wonderful friendship but instead there is a huge amount of frustration, disappointment and cynicism (on my part!) .. I don’t think I can every forget that… but in the meantime … you do what is RIGHT for you .. sometimes people do learn from their mistakes … sometimes they just fall back on the people they know can prop them up for a while. Make sure you are not a prop!

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